Do you remember when Adam Sandler was good? Of course you do, Happy Gilmore is a sweet movie, with a man with massive anger issues, but a heart of gold. Sure he just punched an old man, but he’s trying to save his Grandmother’s house! How about Billy Madison? An imbecile trying to keep his Dad’s money rolling in so he can continue to slack off, but ends up working hard to be respected? We wanted him to win! We wanted him to finish school, get the girl, and live happily ever after. Now let me ask you a different questions, do you remember when Adam Sandler started sucking? It’s different for different people. Before I get into this article, I want it to be known, that I’ve got a lot more time of late for Adam Sandler than most people. The last thing of his I really enjoyed was The Longest Yard, but while it’s a cool movie, he can’t take credit, it’s a remake of a 70’s Burt Reynolds movie of the same name. He even put Reynolds in the remake!
Putting a moustache on him doesn’t make him a different person Adam, we’re on to you
How about Mr.Deeds? I dug that too, it was funny, had a sweet story line that made you cheer for the protagonist, but wait, remake again. You look shocked Mr.Sandler. What, because you picked a movie from the 30’s you thought we wouldn’t notice? It got nominated for 4 Oscars, it even won a couple! Aim for more obscure next time.
I don’t know what this is, but it's got Burt Reynolds, and I demand it be remade by Adam Sandler right now!
For some people, it all started going on much earlier. Personally I love Little Nicky, The Waterboy and Big Daddy. They’re all funny, quotable, original, and I’ve rewatched them all many times, but I understand people having a problem with them for various reasons, that’s up to them. My point is, this article isn’t just about slagging off Adam Sandler, some of his choices have just upset me. I’m not mad Adam, I’m just disappointed. It was obvious somewhere around “Grown Ups” that he was all out of ideas. “Wait a minute, I’ve got funny friends! Maybe people will pay to watch us all sit around drinking beer making each other laugh! We did it yesterday, the script is half done!”
Duuuuuh, first I’ll put that genius Rob Schneider in it
Which leads me to Jack and Jill. Not a remake at all, unless of course the 2 protagonists go up a hill for a pale of water, but as the point of this article is that I’ll never see it, I’ll never know, but I don’t think it is...
So just to remind you of what Adam Sandler is capable of, the first thing we see is the Happy Madison logo, his production company that exists off the success of Happy Gilmore and Billy Madison (It was a happier time). We get our hopes up that we will return to the joy of the 90’s, when Sandler was creative because he was hungry, not because he bored.
So Sandler has to pick up his twin sister from the airport at 4 in the morning, and evidently she’s the only person the flight. That must have been comfortable for her. Imagin the leg room she would have had! She turns around and look out, it’s Adan Sandler in a dress. This will be the one joke for the entire movie, it was just be repeated over and over in slightly different forms. Obviously he’s seen the critical acclaim other actors have had with the comedy cross dressing schtick and needed to get in on that action
Oh the white man is here to steal this from us. This is Eminem all over again
Ok, onto Mr.Sandler’s portrayal of a woman. She lisps..... ok, I think I’ve met one person older than 6 who lisps in my life, but this is the level of comedy we’re working with here. They seem to be pretty well off, could they not get a speech therapist? Could their parents only afford speech therepy for one, and Jack got it? The sexist questions just keep coming....She’s not very bright, and Jack appears to be the far smarter of the siblings, what are you saying here Adam? I’m not going to say it, I’m smarter than that, and I can put my foot in my mouth all on my own, you’re on your own. And thirdly evidently women can’t ride lawnmowers. Should they be doing women’s work Adam? Knitting, cooking and making babies? Ladies things? Hhmmmm? Just when you think the insults to women have stopped, there’s still a box we havn’t ticked yet - violence. Yes, while testing the theory of whether twins can feel what happens to each other, Jack’s son (who appears to be Indian. I’ll let that slide as he may be adopted, Katie Holmes may be unfaithful, the possibilities are endless!) punches his Auntie in the face. HAHA, cop that Auntie Jill! Does he discipline his son? No he laughs and says how proud he is. That’s the sort of thing that stays with a kid and helps mould him into a man..... a man who thinks it’s ok to beat his wife.
Adam Sandler agrees.... unless it’s “really, really funny”
Let’s move onto more of this comedy that Adam Sandler appears to have a vague recollection of. So, in the scientific research Sandler did for this role (he’s quite the method actor, and really throws himself into a role) he discovered that twins who look the same, therefore do everything the same. He then used math to prove that synchronisation = comedy. And boy does he use this mathematical knowledge to his benefit in Jack and Jill. They eat popcorn the same! They scratch their face the same! And then the piece de resistance, synchronised rope skipping! And that’s only what the preview showed! Imagine what else they do in a synchronised fashion! They’ve probably got the same walk as well! The hilarity! How about some more traditional physical comedy? Well, get this, Jill wants to go horse riding, and despite the fact she’s at least 6 foot tall, and weighing over 100 kg, they find her a little horse! Haha, surely that little guy can’t support her, this won’t end well! Surely! Oops, there he goes, his legs gave out! That horse will have to be put down for sure! Oh well, it’s all for comedy, get the gun, and maybe pop a second round in it for who ever green lit this movie.
Oh Adam, you so crazeh
The next part is in my opinion, the most troubling, and it saddens me that in an article like this, I even have to say his name - Al Pacino. This movie is beneath him, plain and simple. I don’t care that he’s portraying a caricature of himself, he shouldn’t be in this garbage. This man is a best actor oscar winner! This man was Scarface! Scent of a woman! The Godfather! Heat! Dog Day Afternoon! And this is what this legend of cinema is being subjected to?
My agent is going to be beaten to death with a phone, and by phone I mean my fist.... my phone-fist
What the hell happened? Did he see De Niro doing this sort of garbage, and decided he needed some of that Fockers money? So help me God if Pacino is subjected to doing one of his famous lines in this movie to pass for more “comedy”, then I’m going to be extremely disappointed. Surely he wouldn’t do something like ask Jill to say hello to his little friend? Oh God, I just realised due to the nature of this movie there’s a chance for a Dog Day Afternoon joke! Say it ain’t so Al! Can I get a WHOO-HAR?
Just in case the highbrow comedy goes over your head, here’s an example broken down for you Pacino - “When I look at her, I see me” Jack - “When I look at her I see me too” You see, this is funny, because in reality, it IS Adam Sandler, but in this fictional world, they’re seperate people. It’s a bit of a thinker, one for the drive home.
Onto more troubling news, this movie cost $79 million to make. Granted, there’s some big(ish) names that need to be paid, there’s obviously some visual effects that don’t pay for themselves, but let’s compare this with some other movies and you tell me if it was money well spent. This movie cost more to make than Jurassic Park. They had to invent technology to make Jurassic Park. They had full sized and computer generated Dinosaurs! This had Adam Sandler in a dress crushing a tiny horse. This movie cost more to make than The Matrix. Does The Matrix even have a set? 90% of it must have been filmed in front of a green screen and added digitally. And it had big names to pay too - Keanu Reeves, Laurence Fishburn, and they gotta eat! This movie cost more to make than Apollo 13. Apollo 13 had them filming in a zero gravity environment, and using NASA toys. Jack and Jill had 2 Adam Sandler’s skipping rope. My point is this movie is a colossal waste of money, and while it’s looking like making back it’s ridiculous budget, I can only pray it doesn’t turn too much of a profit and we’re subjected to Jack and Jiller....
